Small Business Marketing – 5 Deadly Networking Mistakes

Networking – Traditional face to face business networking is a very effective way for small businesses to find new contacts and leads. Unfortunately, it’s also rather easy to get wrong. Here are a few of the most common mistakes, and how to avoid making them.Mistake #1 – Breaking into conversations Take a look at the body language of people who are already in conversation. If they are standing facing each other, they probably prefer not to be disturbed just now. Better to look for someone who’s on their own and introduce yourself, or approach a more ‘open’ looking group of 3 or more.Mistake #2 – Not paying full attention to the person you’re withWhen you’re speaking to anyone at a networking event, be totally focussed on that person. It’s so rude to gaze over their shoulder around the room to see who else might be useful to speak to – and they will notice and remember.Mistake #3 – Not collecting other people’s business cardsThis is so much more important than passing out your own cards. Always carry a small notebook and pen so you can write down their contact details if they don’t have a card.Mistake #4 – Talking too much about yourself or your business When you’re networking, it’s much more powerful to ask questions of the other person. Let’s face it everyone loves talking about themselves so let them be the ones who do most of the talking.Mistake #5 – Sticking with people you already know You go to these events, investing your precious time and money to meet NEW people! By all means say hello to people you know but don’t get trapped into lengthy conversations with them. Arrange to catch up over coffee or on the phone.

Help For the Partners of Sex Addicts

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ’s)· What is sex addiction?Sex addiction is an obsessive relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities occupy a disproportionate amount of “psychic space”, resulting in an imbalance in the person’s overall functioning in important areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt about the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.Sexual addiction can be conceptualized as an intimacy disorder manifested as a compulsive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, sexual behavior, and despair. Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and attach in intimate relationships. The syndrome is rooted in early attachment failure with primary caregivers. It is a maladaptive a way to compensate for this early attachment failure. Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions, sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, needs, fantasies, fears and conflicts.Like other addictions, it is relapse prone.· How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?Sometimes, it’s difficult to know whether someone close to you has an addiction. The addict might hide the addictive behavior or you might not know the warning signs or symptoms.Here are some of the signs and symptoms:* Staying up late to watch television or surf the Web.* Looking at pornographic material such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs.* Frequently isolating themselves from spouses or partners, and doesn’t inform them of their whereabouts.* Are controlling during sexual activity or have frequent mood swings before or after sex.* Are demanding about sex, especially regarding time and place.* Gets angry if someone shows concern about a problem with pornography* Offers no appropriate communication during sex* Lacks intimacy before, during and after sex, and offers little or no genuine intimacy in the relationship* Does not want to socialize with others, especially peers who might intimidate them* Fails to account for increasing number of toll – 800 or 900 – calls* Frequently rents pornographic videotapes* Seems to be preoccupied in public with everything around them* Has tried to switch to other forms of pornography to show a lack of dependency on one kind; concoct rules to cut down but doesn’t adhere to them* Feels depressed* Is increasingly dishonest* Hides pornography at work or home* Lacks close friends of the same sex* Frequently uses sexual humor* Always has a good reason for looking at pornography (Psych Central.com).· Why can’t he/she control his/her sexual behavior?It’s important for you to know that your partner is not volitionally involved in these behaviors so you can begin to understand and, perhaps, forgive. Most addicts would stop if they could.It’s been said that of all the addictions, sex is the most difficult to manage. This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which creates impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist. Despite the fact that acting them out produces considerable long-term negative consequences, the addict simply cannot resist his/her impulses. Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall prey to sexual compulsion. More importantly, people who love and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these irresistible urges.Research has also shown that the inability to control sexual impulses is associated with neurochemical imbalances in the norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine systems. The use of certain anti-depressants (SSRI’s) has thus shown to be very effective in treating the impulse control problems of many sexual compulsives.Biological predisposition contributes and combines with psychological factors. One of the reasons the “erotic haze” is so compulsory is that it is an unconscious but maladaptive way to repair earlier disturbed, anxiety-laden relationships. It shores up an inadequate sense of self which results from these early-life interpersonal abandonments, intrusions and misattunements.This combination of biological and psychological factors results in an “affective disorder” in the sex addict. Feeling of depression, anxiety, boredom and emptiness are quickly alleviated by immersing oneself in an imaginary world that provides novelty, excitement, mystery and intense pleasure. Sex addiction is better than Prosac. It heals, it soothes, it contains, it provides a “safe place” free from the demands of actual performance, and it gives an illusory sense of belonging. The sense of empowerment in the illicit sex act rectifies “holes in the soul” and lifts the addict from feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, depression and emptiness into a state of instant euphoria.Relinquishing this very special (but delusional) mental and physical state can result in a sense of withdrawal which may include mood swings, inability to concentrate and irritability. These symptoms usually disappear in therapy as the sense of self is solidified and he finds more creative ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings.· What are the effects of cybersex addiction on the relationship?Effects of sex addiction on the sex addict’s partner can be numerous, encompassing a wide range of emotions and reactive behaviors. The sexual codependent’s experience is similar to, but not thoroughly identical to, a codependent person in a relationship with a substance abuser. A codependent partner of a drug addict or alcohol, for example, may manage to understand and even sympathize with her partner’s alcohol problem due to the lesser social condemnation.But a compulsive addiction that involves engaging in sexual activities on the computer or outside of the home inflicts a psychic injury of ultimate betrayal. Sexuality goes to the heart of who we are.Arguable, one purpose and outcome of cybersex is to detach and disconnect sexual experience from real relationships in life. Cybersex’s primary stimulus to autoerotic behavior produces profound disconnection of the sexual experience from relationship context and meaning. Compulsive viewing of pornography, for instance, in no way supports or fosters intimate, attachment-linked sexual gratification, anchored in emotional connection, intimate responsiveness and relationship fidelity.Cybersex addiction reinforces a non-intimate, non-relational, and non-demanding sexual experience — a detached, disconnected physical arousal geared to the self-engrossed preoccupation typical of addictive sexual behavior. Cybersex entrenches emotional, psychological and spiritual/existential disconnection of sexuality from relationship context. Entrance into the “erotic haze” that encompasses the sex addict induces sexual arousal, climax and resolution without real relationship attentiveness, responsiveness, or commitment – the key dimensions of a loving attachment.The behavior directly undermines trust in the couple’s relationship. Thus, the sexual dynamics depicted in cybersex are inherently detrimental and destructive to secure attachment that is essential to a sense of trust in the relationship.It is also reasonably anticipated that a husband’s deception and lying – the existence of a “secret world” apart from the primary relationship is an overlapping, yet also separate detrimental influence upon relationship trust.For some women, this lack of trust in their husband’s word – leads to uncertainty about the “substance” of the man they married, uncertainty about his true identity and a change in their perception of his identity – that of seeing him as fundamentally untrustworthy and of disreputable character. Thus, their internal model of their husband changes.Others may feel that the husband is unable to fulfill marital expectations of emotional intimacy and companionship. They talk about not trusting that their husband would fulfill the role of being someone who could provide emotional support. They feel unable to turn to their husbands for this emotional support for different reasons: fearing she would trigger a relapse; feeling rejected because of his involvement in computer sex; sensing her husband’s inability to provide emotional support; being shamed by a husband’s angry or dismissive response from her attempts to reach out for support and companionship; or resolving that her husband was emotionally preoccupied with his own struggle with addiction.The addict’s use of cybersex causes self doubt and lowered self esteem in the spouse. These women feel they aren’t pretty enough or skinny enough, or whatever. In any event, the feel that they are not what their husbands want. Some feel that if they were more sexually desirable, he wouldn’t have this problem. Sometimes, in a frantic effort to compete with unreal women on the internet or with prostitutes, they go to extremes with cosmetic surgery, breast implantation, excessive exercise – in the mistaken belief that if she can lure him back sexually and her husband would stop being interested in pornography and the marriage could be redeemed.Some spouses feel that her husband’s use of internet pornography is a direct attack on her self-worth. They start doubting themselves. They doubt their self-worth. They start doubting the things that used to make them feel special and meaningful. Because if she had any meaning, why was he doing what he’s doing?The wife is often stunned, confused, and in extreme pain upon discovery of the sexual/cybersex addiction. Anger and resentment can be overwhelming. For many partners, the addict’s betrayal can precipitate trauma that resembles post-traumatic stress disorder.A wife can believe that sex is the most important way to express love, so her partner’s sexual acting out can leave her feeling deeply inadequate and unlovable.Within the union, the partner’s low self-esteem can contribute to anxiety and fear of being abandoned. Often she will set aside her moral values and tolerates participating in sexual behaviors with her partner which are unacceptable or even repugnant to her. She feels too unworthy to have solid sexual boundaries. She mistakenly believes that she can stop his acting out if she satisfies his (insatiable and unrealistic) sexual needs.A surprisingly common effect reported by many partners – after the shock of discovery -is the feeling of losing one’s mind. Obsessing about the details of the sex addict’s betrayal, repeatedly confronting her partner with “evidence” of infidelity and being told she’s “crazy” or “just jealous” results in a loss of focus and an inability to concentrate. Fear and anger aggravate the condition. Furthermore, there is an element of intense shame for both addict and sexual codependent attached to sexual addiction, especially if his interests involve an object, cross-dressing, dominance and submission or children. She isolates herself from friends, family and community due to her shame, which provides fertile ground for depression. In some situations, the partner is brought to a point of absolute despair.Some maladaptive strategic responses the sexual codependent may engage in as a means of coping include excessive alcohol consumption, food binges, excessive house cleaning, and overtime career activity; acts that can serve as distractions from her distrust, pain and hostility. Distractions, of course, provide only a temporary and false “relief” and often create more problems than they solve.When the partner’s anger and resentment are suppressed over a period of time, they eventually explode in a volcano of rage, blame, and furious criticism of the sex addict.The explosion of frustrated emotions can open a door to enormous guilt and remorse, so the partner may forgive the addict’s offenses and not stand clear in setting boundaries for herself. The result is an unfortunate snare for the couple, in which the partner unwittingly enables the sex addict to carry on with his unacceptable pattern of sexual acting out.The converse is true regarding the emotional influences on the wife. She may turn inward, withdraw, stay silent and distant. This can include withdrawing from any sexual activity with the addict. These stonewalling behaviors can ignite strong feelings of shame and rejection in the sex addict. In a way, the partner succeeds in punishing the sex addict through these behaviors. But the price of this punishment may be a return to his active addiction as a way to deal with conflict at home.A tremendously debilitating effect on the partner is to assume all responsibility for the addict’s sexual acting out, and even for all of the problems in the relationship. The sex addict may exploit this to his advantage, perpetuating self-doubt within the partner.For example, the partner may confront her spouse with evidence of a transgression, like a credit card charge to a hotel, but the sex addict is skillful and experienced in deception. He will boldly challenge the partner’s credibility, suggesting she see a “shrink” for being so paranoid and suspicious of him. He can persuasively feign righteous indignation, causing his partner to distrust her own instincts and perceptions, even in the face of tangible evidence.The self doubt can plague the partner, aggravating her confusion and contributing to the feeling of “losing my mind”. Not wanting to continue to feel “crazy”, she may retreat into denial, the basic and most fundamental defense mechanism for both partner and addict. When in denial, she will believe the addict’s lies, however far-fetched they may be. She will accept the unacceptable. Whichever lies the sex addict offers to cover up his addiction, she is compelled to “not rock the boat” in order to assuage her abandonment fears.· What are the characteristics of a sexual codependent?Firstly, let’s consider what codependency is. Codependency is an overworked and overused word and definitions can be confusing. At core, it revolves around a deep fear of losing the approval and presence of the “other”. This underlying fear can result in manipulative behaviors that overfocus on maintaining another person’s presence and approval. Control, obsequiousness, anger, caretaking, and being over-responsible are among the behaviors that can be the manifestations of codependent behavior. Because of dysfunctional family-of-origin issues, codependents learn to react rather than respond to others, take responsibility for others, worry about others, and depend on others to make them feel useful or alive.Codependence also refers to the way events from childhood unconsciously produces attitudes and behaviors that propel people into destructive relationships in the present. The self worth of the codependent comes from external sources. They need other people to give them feelings of self-worth. Codependence is a particular relationship with one’s self in which the person doesn’t trust his or her own experiences. Lacking the inner boundaries necessary to be aware of and express their true wants, feelings, goals and opinions, they are “other-validating”. Having only a reflected sense of self, they constantly seek affirmation and validation from other people because they are unable to endorse and validate from within. “Self-validating” people are able to do this. Co-dependents often focus on an addict’s sobriety as a way to achieve a precarious sense of self- consolidation. Sadly, their behavior often perpetuates the loved one’s addiction.Codependent people believe they can’t survive without their partners and will do anything they can do to stay in the relationship, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being abandoned (once again) overpowers her ability to make decisions in her own best interests. The thought of addressing the partner’s addiction can be terrifying: they may be frightened of igniting the partner’s anger which can result in feeling emotionally flooded by (childhood) fears of loss.The sexual co-dependent suffers from additional symptoms: driven by the potential loss of the relationship, which she sees as identical with her very identity, some women engage in sexual activities with their partners that they find distasteful or even morally repugnant – all in an effort to keep him home and happy. However, this type of fantasy-based acting out may not be based on her real sexual needs and desires and opens the way to turning his partner into yet another object. Certain kinds of sexual acting out can turn sex into another fix for him. The partner senses this, making her sense of sexual betrayal even more poignant.In couples where one partner is ciphering off his erotic energies from the primary relationship, there are invariably problems with the couple’s own sexual expressiveness. He becomes sexually demanding. She expresses her resentment about this by not being sexually responsive. He may lose erotic interest in her, as she never lives up to the thrill of fantasy-based sexual enactments. The sense of having a person-related, intimate sexual encounter may diminish. Erotic expression between the couple can easily dry up, leaving the sexual co-addict feeling even more diminished as a woman and as a person.Sexual co-dependents have an inordinate need to get the information straight. “Detectiving” is a common activity: checking his computer, looking up names and numbers, or desperately looking for scraps of paper with numbers written on them. One client even invited a prostitute her spouse had frequented into her home because she wanted to know the details. The need-to-know provides the partner with a way to check up on her own reality (“Am I crazy or is this really happening?”) and provides her with a sense of much-needed (although illusory) sense of mastery over an out-of-control situation. Especially in light of the addict’s continual denial, the co-addict has a need to provide “evidence” to ensure her soundness of mind — a ploy that rarely works and is exceedingly exhausting.The final distinction between sexual co-addicts and other co-dependents is the shame associated with this “secret”. Sex as an addiction is rarely discussed in “polite society” and there is a huge social stamina associated with it. Sexually addicted clients often tell me that they’d rather be alcoholics or drug addicts. The stigmatization of this compulsion almost ensures that the sexual co-dependent will want to hide or to provide a good “front” to deal with feelings of shame and despair. She may become socially isolated because she can’t discuss the situation with friends. Depression easily enters into an emotional environment of isolation and shame. Keeping secrets about important dimensions of life ensure that the issues underlying them will not be healed.· What’s involved in therapy for someone who is the partner of a sex addict?There is hope. The pain the sexual co-dependent experiences is normal. Learning a partner is sexually addicted can be devastating and debilitating. The betrayal triggers a myriad of strong emotions. Feelings of anguish, despair, rage, hopelessness and shame may overtake her. She may feel alone in unchartered territory, wondering “Where do I go from here?”Psychotherapy is extremely important. Be sure to find a therapist conversant with these issues. What should happen in your therapy?Treatment for sexual codependence can become a process of continued growth, self-realization and self-transformation. Working through feelings of victimization can lead to a new sense of resiliency. Going through this process can be an avenue to discovering meaning and to building stronger self-esteem. Challenges faced can elevate one to a higher level of well-being. A sense of serenity and peace from the appreciation of having worked through this process may occur.Lessons not learned in the family-of-origin can be now be learned and worked through: appropriate self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, awareness of, acknowledgment of and expression of one’s personal reality without undo fear of retaliation, and taking better care of one’s adult needs and wants while allowing other adults to take care of theirs are all potential gains to be made in therapy and recovery.Internal and external boundaries will be strengthened. Strong external boundaries will ensure that you will not again put yourself into a victim role. A sense of having internal boundaries will open up new avenues of healthy intimacy as you will know who you are and be able to hear who another is. At the heart of healthy intimacy is the ability to share your real self with another and be available when someone else shares his real self with you.The sexual co-depenent may find she no longer needs to bend herself into a pretzel to accommodate others. Rejection or disapproval may be unpleasant, but not devastating. Compromising personal integrity in order to get external approval and validation will cease. With increased self-knowledge comes the ability to Self-validate while still being in a relationship. Self esteem will be generated by her behaviors rather than the approval or validation from others.Finally, time and energy spent on preoccupation and control of the addict can be used to attend to emotional support for the children, to recommit to and obtain increased satisfaction from work, to meet new people, and to develop new recreational activities.· How can I possibly forgive him?Despite the fact that it may seem impossible, forgiveness is a critical part of recovery for the partner of a sex addict. To forgive is not to forget. Forgiving means being able to remember the past without experiencing the pain all over again. It is remembering — but attaching different feelings about the events, and it is a willingness to allow the pain to have decreased relevance over time. Understanding the pain, compulsion and despair that the sex addict has undergone from sexual compulsion can open avenues to compassion.To forgive is important primarily for oneself, not for the person one forgives. The opposite of forgiveness is resentment. When we resent, we experience the pain and anger all over again. Serenity and resentment cannot coexist.The process of forgiveness begins with acknowledging that a wrong has been done to you. You have to recognize that you have strong feelings about what happened and you need to feel and process those feelings. You are entitled to be angry or hurt. Ideally, you can share those feelings with the person who has hurt you in couples counseling. If that is not possible, then you can share the feelings with your therapist or support group. After that, you can choose whether to stay in a relationship with that person. In either case, forgiveness does not imply permission to continue hurtful behaviors. As part of your own treatment, you need to decide which behaviors you can accept in your relationships and which you cannot.The primary goal of forgiveness is to heal yourself. In a partnership affected by sexual addiction, forgiveness is aided by evidence of the partner’s changed behavior and commitment to treatment. These are also elements in rebuilding trust. For many couples, forgiving and learning to trust again go hand in hand. Both take time, making amends, continued treatment and steady, continual, trustworthy behavior on the part of the addict.After the acting out has stopped, it’s critical to not use his past behavior as a “hook” to punish or manipulate him. When a desire for revenge exists, you have not forgiven, and you see him in one dimension (“Bastard”). The capacity to see him as a whole person (he’s not just a sex addict, he’s many things) will help you move forward. Couples therapy will help you move toward a sense of him as a multidimensional person with on-going issues.· I’m incredibly frustrated that he/she won’t tell the truth. Even when I present “evidence”, he denies his sexual acting out. How can I ever trust a man who so blatantly lies to me?Sex addiction thrives in secrecy. Addicts will go to any length to protect their double life. Denial, (“Don’t Even Know I’m Lying”) plays a huge part in any addiction process. The reality of the acting out is protected from the conscious mind. If the addict is unaware of the truth, how can he tell you?The very thinking process of the addict becomes impaired as he becomes immersed in the denial process, giving way to the minimization of the extent of his behavior. This connects with “rationalization”: i.e. “I’m not really cheating” – “All guys do this” – “I’m not hurting anyone” – “I work hard so I deserve some pleasure.” This combination of denial, minimization and rationalization makes it extremely difficult for him to know the truth.More complexing is the phenomenon of “dissociation”, or “The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” syndrome. Dissociation is a clinical process that characterizes multiple personality disorder. While I’m not saying the sex addicts have MPD, I am suggesting that some of the same characteristics of that disorder are shared. One side of the personality protects the other side from the truth. Some level of dissociation is in every man who has a “double life”. Each side of the personality has different values, goals, beliefs and needs that conflict with the other side.This is why, when the sexual acting out is finished, the addict feels so distressed and shameful. Mr. Hyde does the acting out and Dr. Jekyll experiences the remorse.When the addict is acting out, he has feelings of being disconnected from himself and his environment. Clients speak of “the bubble”, the “erotic haze”, “zoning out”, and “feeling apart from myself and watching myself from afar “, of feeling “foggy” or “not feeling like a real person” Losing track of time is common as is feeling outside oneself as both an observer and a participant. Emotions are numbed; the fantasy creates an alternate reality which obscures the truth of “what is”.Once in therapy, a primary issue that arises is a feeling of a fragmented sense of self or being unsure of his identity. Therapy will help him get to the bottom of hidden parts of himself that he may not have fully understood or been able to control until treatment starts to work. Only by getting in touch with hidden parts of himself will the full realization of his talents and strengths be realized and fulfillment in his personal relationships can begin to unfold.· I don’t see how our relationship can survive the emotional pain and chaos of his sexual addiction. Have other couples been able to work through these issues? How have they done it?When at least one member of a couple is sexually addicted, restoring trust and building intimacy can be very difficult. These couples must work as hard on their recovery together as a couple as they do on their individual recoveries.One of the great challenges to recovery from sexual compulsivity is restoring or building an intimate relationship with a committed partner. Many existing relationships are seriously impaired and often don’t survive because of sexual acting out. The partner of the sex addict’s ability to trust is obviously damaged. The psychodynamic and behavioral issues underlying sexual addiction contribute to obstacles to overcoming and building intimate and committed relationships.The good news is that we have seen from our experience that not only is it possible to repair, rebuild, or newly build a committed relationship, but the level of emotional and physical intimacy that comes from working on these issues together is sustaining, gratifying and growth-producing for each member of the couple.· How can couples counseling help us?Most couples who come for couples therapy after discovery are in a high state of reactivity, with communication being limited to blame/defense. There is a high degree of projection (seeing the things you like least about yourself in your partner) and a small degree of self-focus. The tendency is to react immediately and emotionally, with no time given for reflective thinking. One task of the therapist is to create a safe, non-volatile space by gradually guiding each person to commit to self-focus which reduces blame and defense.The therapist will do some psychoeducational pieces on sex addiction and co-addiction to normalize each person’s feelings and further reduce blame. Nothing can be done about the quality of the marriage unless each person commits to a personal program of recovery: an “S” meeting for the addict, and COSA or S-Anon for the co-addict. The couple can come out of the shadow of shame about living with sex addiction through identifying with others who have gone through similar experiences. Here, finally, they find people they can talk to about what they’ve been hiding from family and friends. Regular attendance at meetings gives structure and accountability to the life of the sex addict. A co-addict who works on the steps with a trusted sponsor is renewing her commitment to focus on herself and her own issues, renouncing her focus and pre-occupation with the addict.Sex addicts and sexual codependents usually have never experienced healthy bonding with and nurturing from their parents. This impairs their ability to have successful bonding and separation in subsequent relationships in adult life. The therapist might construct a “genogram” which is a graphic depiction of three generations of each person’s family. It shows psychiatric and physical problems throughout the generations such as alcoholism, divorce, hospitalizations,etc. The genogram also reveals the quality of family relationships, indicating where there was enmeshment and where there was distancing. With a clear understanding of family-of-origin issues, the couple can understand themselves and each other and develop awareness of what triggers are coming from the past.Couples counseling enables the couple to reach a point of mutual interdependence in which both partners have lives outside of the relationship, but also feel committed to it. The partners need each other, but are comfortable with independent lives of their own. Over time, each develops a new sense of “Self”-in relationship.Both members of the relationship are encouraged to accept mutual responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship. As long as one partner is blaming the other for all of their couple problems, progress will be slow. Recounting the history of the relationship will be a part of this process. How have each other’s addictions and co-addictions affected the relationship? What consequences have been experienced? What strategies have the partners tried to heal themselves that haven’t worked? What are the repetitive arguments and fights? What is the nature of the collective shame in the relationship? How does each partner trigger the other’s issues?Each individual in the couple learns how to exchange instant gratification for the joy of ongoing intimacy. Sexual addict/codependents find that this intimacy and the trust, mutual understanding, and the emotional/spiritual/physical closeness it creates from having done the work can be qualities that few couples ever experience.

Fashion and Accessories Home-Based Business

If fashion is what your language is, then you can be good at fashion and accessories making home-based business. The world is thrilled with the enhancement that fashionable items and artistic outputs can do. Life could be dull without fashionable clothes, creative beads and pieces, beautiful shoes, nice costume jewelries, and modern bags. Young and old individuals are more open-minded in carrying what’s in. Women have become trendier while men have started to dress for the day-with or without occasion.


To start a fashion and accessories business, you must be aware of latest trends in dress and apparels. Be aware that your competitors are malls and shops that are mushrooming everywhere but be challenged to provide what they cannot which is house-to-house transaction. Your clients need not spend money for gasoline just to travel to the shops to get a new pair of accessories or dress. There are two options you can choose in venturing into fashion and accessories business. First is that you can get good deals from wholesalers and producers of signature and non-signed brands that are sellable. Second is that you can create your own line of jewelries, accessories, bags, shoes and watches. Whatever products you will be specializing on, you must zero it down to establish a more specific identity as a company.


If you will be creating your original clothing pieces and costume jewelries, you must be largely creative in terms of fashion and jewelry designing. This could be a greater challenge and test as to what extent you are capable for producing. You might need extra hand to create multiple products to suffice multiple orders. Always be ready to set reasonable prices for your customers.

A Brief History of Female Sexuality – Part 1

Sexuality is a “condition” that is characterized and distinguished by sex and passion. It is, again, according to American Heritage Dictionary, “the quality of possessing a sexual character or potency.”I really like that one. Potency. That means power.Where “sex” is an act that has a beginning and end, “sexuality” is a quality, a sexual character and power. It has no beginning and end, no more than your personality does or your sense of aesthetics does. Sexuality is essential to your nature. It is you. It is your vitality. It is a wonderful thing.Of course, the two – sex and sexuality – are related, and very often delightfully intertwined. However, I would argue that while it is possible to be sexual without having sex it is pretty close to impossible to truly enjoy sex without being in touch with your own sexuality. Which, in and of itself, is a pretty good reason to want to embrace your sexuality.Too many women in the 21st century are divorced from their sexuality even as they participate in sexual acts. They may be having sexual intercourse with their partner or partners multiple times and reaching multiple orgasms but what they are engaged in is about as meaningful and deeply satisfying as riding an exercise bike. As a result, they come away from sex acts with a sense of “what’s the big deal?” or that felt good for the moment. Or, worse, they feel degraded and/or diminished; reduced to an object. For many of them, a good session at the gym would be more fulfilling – and might even provide a more satisfying release.My dear, let me be very clear – that is not the way it is supposed to be.Sex without sexuality is too often demeaning, it reduces the sexual act to little more than a heaving, grunting, often-sloppy and sweaty physical endeavor. It is not called the “beast with two backs” for nothing. If all you’re focused on is the “beast” part, the physical act, you cannot possibly be truly engaged in your own sexuality. Your sexuality is not engaged. And, when your sexuality is not engaged, you are removed from the power of the act.However, with your genuine sexuality engaged, there is nothing you cannot do alone or with a partner that is not uplifting, satisfying and consistent with the person your are – whether that’s a twenty year old college student or a fifty-two year old church volunteer. With your sexuality engaged, that heaving, humping beast with two backs is an explosion of wonderful passion.In short, it is and can be exotic and mind blowing. And when sex is emotionally deep and erotic, you and your partner are truly bonded together – rather than being the sexual equivalent of opposing and competing wrestlers, with you invariably being the one pinned down for the count, you are in control. You can be more or less dominant and be thrilled by either because no matter how you behave in a sexual encounter, it is true to who you are; it is true to your sense of your sexuality.Unfortunately, history has rarely embraced this uplifting view of female sexuality. It has long viewed male and female sexuality as opposing forces, in opposition and in competition to one another. Not as it should be.In ancient China, men who engaged in masturbation risked a complete loss of vital yang essence. As such, it was strictly forbidden. Women did not risk the same loss of their vital essence. The rules about female masturbation were much more specific and focused on a particular concern; women were free to masturbate as much as they liked, as they possessed an unlimited yin, however, they were warned against masturbating with foreign objects which could injure the womb and internal sexual organs.Because women were understood to have an inexhaustible yin essence, they could keep on having orgasms long after their male partners had been reduced to shrunken, limp lumps of flesh snoring alongside them, while female sexuality was expressed in multiple ways. In addition to masturbation, lesbian relations were encouraged. Male homosexuality was forbidden, however as such behavior was thought to result in a complete loss of yang essence. In this Chinese understanding, sexual relationships between men could only result in the net loss of the yang without any possibility of regaining it, which was possible with heterosexual relationships.Although a bit at odds with our modern sensibility, at least sexuality in ancient China was deeply rooted to a sense of essential essences. Sex was never just a physical act. Sexuality had everything to do with something basic in the nature of what it meant to be a man or a woman. Therefore, any sexual act was understood in the context of their fundamental essences – yin and yang.For this reason, prostitution was very much accepted in ancient China. Men seemed to think that engaging with prostitutes gave them the opportunity to gain additional yin from them, more than from “normal” women. Men could “gain” some of that essence from women. In particular, the belief was that a woman who had sex with many men began to acquire some of the yang essence from her customers, yang essence that could then be “shared.” Consequently, it was possible for a man to gain more yang from a sexual encounter with a prostitute than he lost and more than he could gain from relations with his wife who, presumably, only had sexual relations with him.This somewhat balanced the understanding of what essential male and female sexuality meant and began to change during the Ch’in Dynasty (221 b.c.e to 24 c.e.) when the role and place of women shifted from one of sexual energy to one of more familiar modern gender roles.When the Ch’in Dynasty shifted from the Taoist culture that had predominated China to a Confusianist culture, women’s roles and the understanding of sexuality and sexual behavior then shifted dramatically. No longer was sexuality and behavior determined by essential nature, by the yin and the yang. Instead, there was a more “traditional” – patriarchal cultural dynamic. The dynamic many of us are currently familiar with. Women were not just possessing of a different essence than men but they were considered inferior to men. Physical relations between men and women were found mostly in marriage and were only to take place in the bedroom. At the conclusion of such “contact,” all physical contact was to end – there was to be no contact even between husband and wife.In a way that is only too familiar to those of us in Western Civilization, sex itself came to be considered sinful and tolerated solely for the process of procreation.Even at the conclusion of the Ch’in Dynasty, when the Han Dynasty embraced a return to a Taoist worldview, new perspectives on sexuality and sex had taken hold. Taoism had become a more structured and organized religion, with its own churches and priests. So too, sexuality and sexual behavior had become more rigidly structured. Sexual behavior was formalized, even finding expression in written texts. Two of the most famous of these texts were The Handbook of the Plain Girl and The Art of the Bedchamber.In both, a “Yellow Emperor” sought to live a long, healthy life and to attain some degree or form of immortality through sex. In order to accomplish his lofty goal he needed to become an expert at techniques that would prolong his orgasm and allow his sexual partner to orgasm several times. By doing so, he would maximize the amount of her yin essence that he would gain from their encounter while minimizing his own loss of yang essence.While concerns about yin and yang are foreign to our understanding, one valuable insight we can gain from these perspectives is that sexuality was considered essential to who we are and that sexual mores change. This Eastern view is consistent with our understanding that one is a dynamic, constant sexuality fluidity and the other is defined by the times and circumstances of sexual behavior and roles. During times when the two were balanced, there was a sensible and satisfying cultural norm that blends sex and sexuality.Unfortunately, there have been too many other times when the two were in conflict. This back and forth seems to have defined much of Western culture and history, as well as the role of women and sex in our society. And, as frustrating as it is to find ourselves at the dawn of the 21st century still sorting out the power and need for sexual awareness and the ability to embrace sexuality. Fortunately, we are in a better place than women have been through most of history. We still have a long way to go for women to feel comfortable and confident with their sexuality and know the difference between sex and sexuality.In Medieval times people’s fears focused on three things: the Devil, Jews, and women. The fear of women was completely tied into the perceived threat of female sexuality. In the “dark, moist heat” of women’s sexuality, men became prostrate with fear and trembling, a fear and trembling that have continued to the beginning of the twentieth century and, in far too many places across the globe, to the dawn of the twenty-first century.Ironically, texts from the time display an astonishing detail of female anatomy and function. Men seemed to get the physical component right but when it came to understanding and embracing a woman’s essence, they fell far short. And these were not mere “common” men. As seems to be the case over and over again, the hysteria that punished women for being women came from the very minds and men who were capable of understanding physicality. The condemnation of doctors, “physics” and ministers might seem astonishing to us now – the stuff of witch hunts and fiction – but it continues to inform our sensibilities.The times taught that female sexuality was a serpent that was secretly guided into the heart. Goethe, writing about syphilis, used similar imagery when he demonized the disease as a beast and warning of “a serpent which lurks in the loveliest of gardens and strikes us at our pleasures”.In this poetic turn, Goethe captured the true “horror” of female sexuality and gets at the heart of men’s fear – it ensnares men in that “loveliest” of gardens, striking them at their “pleasures,” when they are most vulnerable.In the last half of the nineteenth century, when more “rational” thinking took over, the female disorders of nymphomania, masturbation, moral insanity, hysteria and neurasthenia were almost universally believed to be a serious threat to health and life and civilization. Most “experts” presumed these dire maladies were the inevitable result of reading inappropriate novels or playing romantic music.Novels and music?!As irrational as this might seem, there are still large, mainstream religious institutions which separate boys and girls, prohibit music and dancing, and discourage any contact with modern culture.Are we so very different than those who lived in the Victorian age?Then, there were instances of mass hysteria much like the Salem witch episodes in which women were taken with something called “menstrual madness” and insanity, diseases which required an immediate response and often a very radical “cure.” Menstrual madness was often “cured” by laparotomy and bilateral “normal ovariotomy.” This is the removal of normal ovaries known as “Battey’s Operation”.One professor of psychology, Charcot, gave public demonstrations of hysteria in women in the 1870′s that emphasized his belief that most mental disease in women resulted from abnormalities or excitation of the female external genitalia. Or, to put it bluntly, he masturbated these women in public!Now, these public demonstrations may strike you a bit pornographic because… well, according to our standards today, they were!You could be sure that these “clinical tutorials” were very well attended by scores of men who were only too pleased to witness – in the most graphic detail – the demonic role of the vulva and clitoris in the causation of hysterical attacks in Charcot’s young and, not incidentally, attractive patients.The Internet does not deliver anything any more graphic or pornographic.In an historical note, one of Charcot’s pupils was none other than Sigmund Freud, who attended these demonstrations at the La Salpêtrière for five months, repeated this fashionable view in his writings and lectures while also stressing the effect of the mind on gynecological and mental disease.There is reasonable evidence that Freud modified his case histories – excluding the realities of deviant sexuality and sexual abuse and replacing them with sexual fantasies which would be much more acceptable to the Viennese upper middle class who were his audience.I trust you are beginning to recognize a pattern here. There is a very clear thematic trend in the history of female sex and sexuality.During Victorian times, when much of our “modern” understanding of women’s sexuality found its voice, women were taught not to enjoy sexual activity. They were taught to actively repress their passions. They were actually taught – in so many words – that their enjoyment of sex existed in direct proportion to the moral decline of society.With that kind of burden, it is not surprising that few women felt any sexual desire and satisfaction. How could a woman embrace her lover in full joy when, in the back – or front – of her mind she held the belief, a belief imposed upon her by her teachers, her clergy and her family, that by doing so she was contributing to the destruction of all that was good in the world.Talk about a surefire way to inhibit pleasure and orgasm!For the Victorian woman, sex had one purpose and one purpose alone – to procreate. Ugh! Makes it sound like an unpleasant chore, doesn’t it? It followed from this that a girl or woman’s worth prior to marriage (the only social structure in which this procreation could take place) had worth only if she remained chaste and pure.Once married, she could expect to be engaged by her husband in conjugal acts only when “necessary.”Let’s pause for a moment just to parse the profoundly disturbing truths in that last observation. The first, of course, is that sex was reduced to an act that was engaged in only when “necessary” – presumably for the relief and release of the husband and to further the goal of procreation. The second, however, is more subtle and even more damaging. “She could expect to be engaged by her husband…” In regards to sex acts, and her sexuality, the woman was to be passive. She was nothing more than the recipient of someone else’s sexual wants, needs and demands – for purposes that she did not demand. She had no control over, no rights to, and indeed, was meant to remain ignorant and disapproving of her own sexuality.It is impossible to examine the nineteenth-century medical attitude to female sexuality and come away with the feeling that it was anything but cruel and heartless. We would be kind to call it ignorant. But it was too malicious to be merely ignorant. It was damaging and malevolent. With professionals, gynecologists and psychiatrists, leading the charge, the medical professions designed treatments designed to “cure” those serious contemporary disorders, masturbation and nymphomania.The gynecologist, Isaac Baker Brown (1811-1873), and the distinguished endocrinologist, Charles Brown-Séquard (1817-1894) advocated clitoridectomy to prevent the progression to masturbatory melancholia, paralysis, blindness and even death! A rational person might think that these professionals would have been tarred and feathered for their cruel views.A rational person would have been wrong.Society as a whole embraced their horrific view of women.Before becoming self-righteous in our judgments, however, we must ask ourselves, Have we changed so much? Compare the perspective and behavior of those Victorians to our modern world where this same operation is still being forced upon women and girls in Asia and Africa and certain religious communities throughout the world!Look at our own communities where young girls and women are made to feel ashamed and “dirty” for having sexual thoughts and desires.Still, things are much better than our Victorian past, when the medical contempt for normal female sexual development was reflected in public and literary attitudes. Consider that there existed virtually no novel or opera in the last half of the 19th century where the heroine with “a past” managed to survive to the end.The Victorian woman was reduced to simply a vessel. Oh, she was a highly-valued and a necessary “vessel”. After all, sex was necessary to further the biological imperative. (Imagine someone using a line like that in a bar! “Hello, my dear, would you consider furthering the biological imperative?” My guess is that someone using that line wouldn’t be getting laid that night!)Any sexual desire that a Victorian woman experienced was, by definition, contradictory to her virtue. According to The Physician and Sexuality in Victorian America (1974) by John S. Haller Jr., and Robin M. Haller, sexual promiscuity was an “ominous indication of national decay,” and not a sign of women’s liberation at that time.This was the dominant perspective during Victorian times. As bad as it was, Victorian times were not Medieval times. Even against this bleak backdrop, there were other points of view being expressed. Many early “love manuals” actually emphasized sex for pleasure also. These manuals took the position that there could be equality in the marriage bed. An early indication that for sexuality to flourish, there has to be an acknowledgement of the equal needs and value of the partners in the sex act. There has to be respect and value on the needs, wants and desires of each partner.These manuals took the revolutionary position that a women’s interest in sex depended upon her ability to seek satisfaction along with her partner. Sex could be an enjoyable act separate from its procreative imperative alone.Joy of joys!Of course, even these enlightened views were tempered by the presumption that indulging in sex too frequently was likely not a healthy thing and indicative of moral shortcomings.So, there were other, “quieter voices” that spoke out in favor of greater sexual expression and enjoyment. Unfortunately, the dominant view took the more powerful grip on the culture’s defining morals. During the 1840′s there was a greater emphasis on the health aspects of “conjugal discourse” and less on the enjoyment aspects. There was a tendency to advocate for even less frequency in sex than earlier years. William Acton wrote in his text, Functions and Disorders of the Reproductive Organs (1888), that women experienced “no need for sex.”No need for sex!? Certainly the idiocy of his position would have been disputed on its face.Of course it wasn’t. Not only was it not disputed but it was actually applauded by others, including women. Acton’s belief that women were apathetic to the notion of sex in marriage had a great ally in Mary Wood Allen, M.D., Superintendent of the Purity Department of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union. She held that “the most genuine love between a husband and a wife existed in the lofty sphere of platonic embrace.”Thanks for nothing, Mary! I guess her idea of a successful marriage was a husband and wife having a “sleepover” together, perhaps going so far as to hold hands and gaze warmly at one another as the night deepened around them.As if to prove that when it comes to silly ideas no degree of extremism is impossible, other manuals of the time embraced the idea of marital continence, which referred to the ” voluntary and entire absence from sexual indulgence in any form.”People who took this position pointed their boney, self-righteous fingers at women who deigned to seek sexual satisfaction and accused them of not leading “God-filled lives.” We have evolved remarkably since then. We tend only to call them names like “slut” or “nymphomaniac.”Thankfully, there were also sensible voices shouting to be heard. Sometimes, the arguments seemed to build on the foundation that women did not desire sexual satisfaction, as the argument of Elizabeth Blackwell, a physician who believed that female’s lack of sexual lust came from a fear of injury in childbirth. Implicit in her belief was that women lacked sexual desire or lust. So too when she noted that women were passive because men would be rushed to perform quickly, leaving them without gratification.At least her observations hold true in one fundamental aspect – women have consistently blunted their sexuality and sexual desires in order to maximize the “gratification” of men.There were enlightened voices crying out. Not everyone was blind to the truth of women’s sexuality. There were physicians who argued that a women’s capacity for sexual gratification was at times more intense and prolonged than the males. These physicians viewed ignorance as the root of the problem women had with sexuality. They argued that women’s lack of sensible sexual education had taught them to believe that any sexual feeling was “indecent and immoral.” As a result, women had become a race of sexless creatures, little more than “married nuns,” who experienced no pleasurable feeling during sex.But no matter how loudly these voices cried out; no matter how reasonable and rational their arguments, they did not carry the day. Acton’s view remained the dominant articulation of women’s sexuality from the late 1800′s through the middle of the 20th century.